In the classic RMIM when I got bored with fights about who is greater, Rafi or Kishore, or Naushad or Shankar-Jaikishan, sometimes I wrote stuff like this.
A post by me from October 1995. [Note: Some of the stuff may not make sense 27 years later :)]
Subject: ATTEMPT AT HUMOR
Date: Sat, 21 Oct 1995 09:11:00 -0600
Organization: The Windmill Company BBS - 806-792-6116
Naushad and Shankar Jaikishan
Person #1: Why is Naushad's name written first here? Do you think he is better than Shankar-Jaikishan?
Person #2: The very fact that you did not object to their names being uttered in the same breath implies that you believe that N was at least as good as SJ. Therefore, N was twice as good as either S or J. It took two people together to equal one N. But all seriousness aside, the names N and SJ above are in English alphabetical order.
Person 1: Well, the English quit India 50 years ago, why do you insist on using the English order? In Panjabi S comes before N. Why do you not use that?
Person 2: You are totally confused ABCD. Panjabi is a language written in Gurmukhi script. Also, the English quit India 48 years and 8 months ago and if you knew any mathematical theorems, you would know that it is never true that 48.66666 = 50.00000.
Person 1: First of all, you don't even know what ABCD stands for. I know for a fact that Surjit Singh does not know what it stands for and probably does not even care. Secondly, Panjab never was written in Gurmukhi. It is written in the devanaaagariii and the iiraaaaniii scripts. Only some sikhs use Gurmukhi. Fifthly, I know lots of people who read, write, speak, think and flame one another in English. Ergo facto, English have not left India. In fact, they have not even left the world!
Person 2: Aha, I am net-picking you! I knew you were an ignorant fool who does not even double-check what you write! Panjab is a state and not a language.
Person 1: Well, you cannot spell either. According to the world-famous encyclopaedia of kaamaraaj saahib that I own, the word is nitpicking not net-picking.
Person 2: Just because you have an encyclopaedia does not mean that you know everything. In fact, you do not even know the difference between an encyclopaedia and a dictionary.
Person 1: I definitely know that the number of farfromfilm awards is inversely proportional to their greatness.
Person 2. Maybe so but N reached his peak at bpainjtubawaradiwana.
Person 1: Awards are worthless anyway because they are based on popularity and, who cares for popularity. In addition democracy does not work.
Person 2. No, hummability, popularity are all you need. I asked a chinese person what Hindi song she remembered and he said aavaaaraaa huuun. That is the metric, index, etc. of a song. Also many people named their kids raj and nargis. I do not know any kids, teens, youngpeople, men, in fact, anybody named naushad besides N, do you?
Person 1: I do not know what you mean. How do you even begin to compare N and SJ? SJ were good but not in the same league as AB, CR, GM, MM, OP, RDB, SDB, and lastly, SJ. The SJ songs were melodyless, ordinary, paanThela-type.
Person 2. Well, you begin by saying that there is nothing wrong with winning many awards, even though you may have to pay money out of 5 lakhs that you are getting, may be only 2.5, because you are two. Why are you still using the alphabetical ordering when it has been explained that SJ are the greatest of them all? They had the biggest hit ratio.
Person 1: Sure, but SJ songs lack solefulness, are too popular, use too much instrumentations, are loud, too obviously based on western music.
Person 2. I disagree with you but I agree with Preeti. She is 100% right and has brought many forceful arguments to prove many theorems. I know for a fact that Einstein was not a student, but he won many awards too. See?
Person 1: What do you mean E was not a student? He must have gone to school somewhere. Anyway, all my comments are relative because they exceed the speed of thought. And, Preeti is not a she, but a he. Have you never heard of Uma Shukla and Devi Upadhyay.
Person 1: Who the heck are they? Did Harpreet meet them on the subway when he was talking to Professor Raj Kumar Pathria? Or perhaps they belong to the men's crummy cooking circle in bredford? Anyway, at least among the Singhs it is clear. Surjit Singh must be a he because the last name is Singh.
Person 2. How ignorant you are? Have you never heard of Natthu Singh who married Prithvirajkapur's grandson.
Person 1: Okay, but Surjit is a male name. So there, I proved my theorem. Remember, we are proving theorems, not having inane arguments.
Person 2. Just goes to show how little you know. My aunt is named Surjit Kaur. And to prove theorems you should have read the famous latin book by yucklid. Suppose you want to prove to me that the son of all the angels of a triangel is equal to two pies. Three steps are involved. Both of us must agree to the underlying axioms of geometry, for example, about the definitions of a point, line etc. Secondly, both of us must agree to the rules of logic, for example, that if a=b then b=a also. With these two steps agreed upon, any body can prove a true theorem. Otherwise you made a mistake.
Person 1: Obviously, you have never heard of Godel, who by the way did not win either the filumfare or the ignoble prize. He proved the theorem that in any formal system based on integers, there exist theorems which one knows to be true but can never be proven within that formal system.
Person 2. Your inane sidestepping remark has proved my point. We know, that one N is better than two SJ, but since everything is based on integers, all else is the work of Dog saahib, assuming Godel's theorem, we can never prove it.
Person 1: So why should we continue inane arguments at all?
Person 2. Hey, you have to prove that the argument is inane. Boy I am glad that you were not there when India was divided into bharat and pakistan. You would have teethed with raga.
Person 1: But, all kidding aside, tell me in your opinion, who is better, N or SJ?
Person 2. You never give up, do you? Why did you put N before SJ?
wahrukh khan from bombay technicolor university, no, not really, from pretxzel.edu. no it is really:
SS = sa.Ntuu sayaanaa, whose preferred address is A, but the e-mail keeps coming to B.
Now You Know!